Ерік Берн: У перші два роки поведінка і думки дитини програмуються в основному матір’ю… А далі цікавіше

Ерік Берн — автор знаменитої концепції сценарного програмування і теорії ігор. В їх основі лежить транзакційний аналіз, який зараз вивчають у всьому світі.

Берн упевнений, що життя кожної людини програмується до п’ятирічного віку і всі ми живемо за цим сценарієм.

Пропонуємо добірку цитат цього видатного психолога про те, як програмується наш мозок.

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1. Сценарій — це поступово розгорнений життєвий план, який формується ще в ранньому дитинстві в основному під впливом батьків. Цей психологічний імпульс з великою силою штовхає людину вперед, назустріч її долі і дуже часто незалежно від її опору або вільного вибору.

2. У перші два роки поведінка і думки дитини програмуються в основному матір’ю. Ця програма і формує початковий каркас її сценарію, «первинний протокол» щодо того, ким їй бути, тобто, бути її «молотом» чи «ковадлом».

3. Коли дитині виповнюється шість років, її життєвий план вже готовий. Це добре знали священики і вчителі середньовіччя, які говорили: «Залиште мені дитя до шести років, а потім беріть назад». Хороший дошкільний вихователь може навіть передбачити, яке життя чекає на дитину, буде вона щасливою чи нещасною, стане переможцем чи буде невдахою.

4. План на майбутнє складається в основному з сімейних інструкцій. Деякі з найважливіших моментів можна виявити досить швидко, вже в першій розмові, коли психотерапевт запитує: «Що батьки говорили вам про життя, коли ви були маленьким?»

5. З кожної вказівки, в якій би непрямій формі вона не була сформульована, дитина намагається витягти її імперативне ядро. Так вона програмує свій життєвий план. Ми називаємо це програмуванням, оскільки вплив вказівки набуває характер постійності.

Дитина сприймає бажання батьків як команду, такою вона може залишитися на все її життя, якщо в ньому не станеться якогось драматичного перевороту або подій. Тільки великі переживання, наприклад, війна або не схвалена батьками любов можуть дати їй миттєве звільнення.

Спостереження показують, що життєвий досвід або психотерапія може також давати звільнення, але значно повільніше.

Смерть батьків не завжди знімає закляття. Навпаки, в більшості випадків вона їх робить ще міцнішими.

6. Найчастіше дитячі рішення, а не свідоме планування в зрілому віці визначають долю людини.

Щоб люди не думали чи не говорили про своє життя, нерідко створюється враження, ніби якийсь могутній нахил  змушує їх кудись прагнути, дуже часто зовсім не у відповідності з тим, що пишеться в їх автобіографіях або трудових книжках.

Ті, хто хоче заробляти гроші, втрачають їх, тоді як інші швидко багатіють. Ті, хто заявляють, що шукають любові, пробуджують тільки ненависть навіть у тих, хто їх любить.

7. У житті людини сценарний підсумок передрікається, пропонується батьками, але він буде недійсним до тих пір, поки не буде прийнятий дитиною.

Звичайно, прийняття не супроводжується фанфарами та урочистою ходою, але тим не менш одного разу дитина може заявити про це з усією можливою відвертістю: «Коли я виросту, я буду такою ж, як матуся» (що відповідає: «Вийду заміж і народжу стільки ж дітей») або «Коли я стану великим, я буду як тато» (що може відповідати: «Буду убитий на війні.»).

8. Програмування в основному відбувається в негативній формі. Батьки забивають голови дітей обмеженнями. Але іноді дають і дозволи.

Заборони ускладнюють пристосування до обставин (вони неадекватні) в той час, як дозволи надають свободу вибору.

Дозволи не приводять дитину до біди, якщо не супроводжуються примусом. Справжній дозвіл — це просте «можна», як, наприклад, ліцензія на рибну ловлю. Хлопчика ніхто не змушує ловити рибу. Хоче він ловить, хоче — ні і йде з вудочками, коли йому подобається і коли дозволяють обставини.

9. Дозвіл не має нічого спільного з вихованням вседозволеністю. Найважливіші дозволи — це дозволи любити, змінюватися, успішно справлятися зі своїми завданнями. Людину, що володіє подібним дозволом, впізнаєш відразу, так само як і того, хто пов’язаний всілякими заборонами.

10. Потрібно ще раз підкреслити: бути красивою (так само як мати успіх) це питання не анатомії, а батьківського дозволу. Анатомія, звичайно, впливає на привабливість обличчя, але лише у відповідь на посмішку батька або матері може розквітнути справжньою красою обличчя доньки.

Якщо батьки бачили в своєму синові дурну, слабку і незграбну дитину, а в доньці — потворну і дурну дівчинку, то вони такими і будуть.

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